sputnik sweetheart

last night i was in one of my reflective moods, so i curled up in my little pink couch with a cup of tea and read all day. the wind was howling outside, so intensely bitter it was strange to realize that it's only the beginning of fall. i moved to my bed, but i still couldn't keep my hands warm. it's amazing that in a country supposedly so technologically advanced, there is little trace of such things. there is no insulation, which means it's freezing in the winter and roasting in the summer. without my little electric heater, my apartment is only a little warmer than the outside.

at the end of sputnik sweetheart, i was left with another glimpse into the japanese psyche which crystallized a lot of things that i've been experiencing. here is the quote which struck me the most:

“So that’s how we live our lives. No matter how deep and fatal the loss, no matter how important the thing that’s stolen from us- that’s snatched right out of our hands- even if we are left completely changed people with only the outer layer of our skin from before, we continue to play out our lives this way, in silence. We draw ever nearer to our allotted span of time, bidding it farewell as it trails off behind. Repeating, often adroitly, the endless deeds of the everyday. Leaving behind a feeling of immeasurable emptiness.”

this author uses surrealist writing to escape consciousness, because reality is too oppressive to deal with consciously. but of course reality would be impossible to deal with if you allowed yourself to be silenced by your culture and controlled by the values of the majority instead of yourself.

i finished the book and closed it. i then went for an hour run through the streets of nagoya from imaike to sakae and back. i didn't even feel the cold or the ache of my muscles because it felt so good to be free. the wind and the chill and the time of night could not keep me in my apartment. the wild looks of the locals as ran through red lights and whipped around oblivious pedestrians didn't faze me. empowered, i took control of my emotions that night. i will not be a scream silenced by a fear of standing out of upsetting the flow of things. i will not let anything rob me of my individuality.